firefly

you arrive inside the darkness

fireworks falling upon us

where have you been?

suspense

suspense

momentum

release

suspense

Quicksand

oh my goodness
i am slipping under
every false move has me packing my bags again
it is such a fucking nightmare to me
that if i am really honest
i have been mentally packing my bags
since the very beginning
and now i finally hit a point that
i need to be sedated
to withstand it
can't figure out if he just showed up
when i was already slipping away
just doomed
or if he is part of this quicksand?
i can't believe this
my child just a baby
and i want another
even though i feel like it is just
little him who keeps me here at all

pack it up.

this endless loop

this endless loop
this reoccurring numbness awake, sleeping
sleeping, dreaming alive again
oh how i miss
you fucking killed me when you left
who would have known?
who could have thought?
fuck it is so old
i'm like a dead body lost at sea
you sail from port to port
alive and new
i guess, i pretend
today i actually prayed
"god, please help me, god please help me"
i am crying
i am always so fucking tired
sometimes i try to pinpoint where my life derailed
in vain
when i lost myself
to this sad
i cashed in when you left the table
and i've been moping around
with my consolation prize
remembering, stealing glimpses
getting bland and wrinkled
when did i shut off?
when did i stop growing? stop going?
how did i become so paralyzed?
why are my dreams just bullshit?
why am i unable to even know what i want
and make it happen?
how could sanity, or the lack of chaos be enough?
it is time to embrace solitude again
and to accept simple pleasures as gifts
it is always time to let you go
you never really gave a shit anyway

release

hallelujah the day is done
i am tired, but not exhausted
i took a few of the rocks out of my pockets
i am beside the river
i will walk away
i climbed out from behind that big heavy wall
of illusion and need
and it was easy
it was time
and it is better now
old old old we will grow
and young again and again
i am not sure what color this missing is?
maybe just ripe when i am alive
i don't know why i need it
how i could have lost this pen
my mind, for so long
so tired
oh oh oh my dears
you are all my loves
your are all bits and pieces of my beautiful
infinite mystery and truth
oh big eyes
words on these walls
old pretty things all around
little beautiful treasures
i don't know why i have always needed this
this place, this dream
why this place feels like home
all quiet now with the morning light
through the leaves
shadows dancing softly in this sleepy morning
i keep you on your own dusty shrine
for reasons beyond reason
and this release brings my tears
i've held on for so long now
now i am free
the day is done
it took me so very long to get here
but the ride home will be faster
it is like that
are you sleeping now?
let's go have just a little bit more
before choo choo change tracks again
oh my dear i love you
and so release
and thank you

alien

and that alien
what the fuck is his deal anyway?
why so quiet?
what is this game?
solitaire?
amnesia?
cat got your tongue?
get that shard out of my eye,
or heart, or toe
or out of yours,
up yours! ha!
why do you get all of this?
why don't you get it?
you never wanted it anyway
i know that
don't i have anything better to do
than
orbit you?

choice

why to you hate yourself?
why do you kill yourself?
why do you make yourself so ugly
when you are truly brilliant and beautiful?
or really a dumbass snake
just a little charmed fool?
how do i hang on?
why do i throw it out?
all these years, years gone by
what am i fishing for anyway?
when i have it all safe and cozy
but i steal away
to walk through that old swamp again and again
in the dark
the gators can't get me
i wrestle, dance,
and slip by the snakes
but the leaches sometimes kill me a little
i can not forget to pull them off
to be free again
get the fuck out of the swamp dumby
it is creepy and unnecessary!
get out.

go on a fucking picnic already
in a sunny place
where pink flowers fall from the sky
raining beautiful all around you
don't get bit
enjoy the beauty, the grace
say goodbye first
you are lost enough already
go home
scoop up your loves
and win
be the big winner
of the most fabulous prize of all
and soak up the kisses and the lovin
and love it
and give it all back
don't take it for granted
don't scatter all of your magic
to the winds
plant the most where it counts
make your garden divine,
your castle strong,
your temple holy,
your sweethearts happy.

Two little Terrorists

Jesus Christo! my two little terrorists
it is so perfect, they have reunited
and look exactly like a couple of terrorists
funny that they are
god, I am silly
I hope the FBI does'nt stumble across that photo
their little cell of genius heartache
haul 'em off to Guantanamo
oh I am getting so old
to live with this virus
but I only feel it when it is damp, or something
Heartbreaker tattooed to your ass
indeed