this endless loop

this endless loop
this reoccurring numbness awake, sleeping
sleeping, dreaming alive again
oh how i miss
you fucking killed me when you left
who would have known?
who could have thought?
fuck it is so old
i'm like a dead body lost at sea
you sail from port to port
alive and new
i guess, i pretend
today i actually prayed
"god, please help me, god please help me"
i am crying
i am always so fucking tired
sometimes i try to pinpoint where my life derailed
in vain
when i lost myself
to this sad
i cashed in when you left the table
and i've been moping around
with my consolation prize
remembering, stealing glimpses
getting bland and wrinkled
when did i shut off?
when did i stop growing? stop going?
how did i become so paralyzed?
why are my dreams just bullshit?
why am i unable to even know what i want
and make it happen?
how could sanity, or the lack of chaos be enough?
it is time to embrace solitude again
and to accept simple pleasures as gifts
it is always time to let you go
you never really gave a shit anyway